alone

I been doing a lot things alone lately.

I watch movie alone. I drink coffee alone. I wander arounf malls alone.

I think i need sometime with myself. I especially like watching movie alone. In a dark room, with my phone off. I cant see another human being, but only the screen playing. Finally i get some peace. I could breath again. Slowly but steady.

Like now. I am sitting at the coffee house alone. There is this girl that is sitting in front me. Also alone. staring out to the world. like nothing ever matter to her. Her phone rang. She answered. I think its him. She said it's ok, i'm busy too, we'll meet next time. she hang up the phone and stare out again. i try to get some emotion from her face. But i failed. Her eyes was so clam. almost like a statute. I suppose sometime, nothing really matters.

My columbian brewed coffee, does not give me the taste of summer. Somewhat, it taste quaint. Its almost too queit. Is it one of those night again? I dunno.

There is guy sitting at the back of me. His coffee taste like summer. He is over joyed. Calling everyone he knows, sharing the good news. He cant even contend in his sit. Its almost like he is going to leap and jump. he smile. he type furiously, talk loudly. I suppose sometime, the smallest things matters.

i am sitting here wondering what really matters to me. The people. SH said to me once. Its always the people. Ya, the people.

She is still sitting there. probably wondering what is so great abt the world out there. He had however quiet down. Being happy can be tiring.

Its a Monday night. Its raining and i'm alone with everyone. Its nice to be alone with somebody. Be it her or he. We are alone together.

Will you be my....?

"What kinda man are u looking for?"

This is a hard question to answer. There never seem to be a definite one for this. You either feel u missed out a criteria or you don't even know where to start!! People always ask me this question and frankly i never have the right answer. I mean sure, i will say things like tall, good personality, blah blah blah... but deep down i knew that was not the right answer. Yet, i dunno what is the right answer.

But that day, i was seeking refuge in one of this shitty, unrealistic, totally time wasting romance novel (yes, so i read them, bite me!), and something hit me! Finally my answer came to me.

In the novel, the lead is a sucessful young lady, yet she never get to find the right guy for her. Her friends ask her why? And she answered, "Because they are not my hero!". Oh my! that was when it hits me! I need a hero TOO!

Finally, i know what is my answer! I want a hero.

But what is a hero? I'm not talking about man in blue spendex outfit with his red underwear out, nor am i talking about a John Mclane running around town to safe the world. I talk about a real hero. My hero.


My hero makes me laugh;

My hero tells me that i am prefect and i do not need to loose a single inch off my waist;

My hero makes me want to love myself more;

My hero makes it ok for me to be weak sometime;

My hero makes me feel that with all the wrong in the world, there is some right;

My hero lets me soar, and catches me when i fall;

My hero lets me feel that i am worth it;

My hero tells me its ok to cry, its ok to be vulnarable;

My hero believes that there is no dream to big for me;

My hero loves me, for who i am and for what we will be....

Where is my hero? Am i ever gonna find my hero? or is it again, another shitty, unrealistic, time wasting dream??

nightmare

I had the best dream yesterday night. It was so beautiful.

I met this person. He is not very tall, he is not very good looking, he is not very rich.

But he loves me.

We meet at his quiet little café. I had my café latte, sipping away at the claming afternoon.

Then he came.

He sat in front of me. We met, it was instance, we were in love.

We went everywhere together. We did everything together.

We laugh, we cry, we hold each other so tight, I can still feel his heat.

Then he had to go. I cried.

He brought me to this park, and we sat on a bench.

Then he kneel down, took out the ugliest ring I ever seen. And ask me to go with him. To be with him. It was the most beautiful moment life could offer.

But I cried. In sorrow. I suppose it was that time where I realized it all a dream.

This is how a sweet dream turns to nightmare. Where u want to live in the dream, where dream can give u what life cant offer….
If only… I’m still in the dream…

Morbid

I am angry. So mad. I can feel the burning urge in my body to holler. SCREAM. I said to myself. CRY. I beg myself. But I’m holding it in. HOLDING. Like its uses every last strength I have in my body. I’m holding it. But the heart, it ache, oh so bad. ACHE. The finger clench. So tight. I can see the vain. VAIN. Every single one of them. They are so green. Green in anger. Green in rage. I command myself to breath. But its so hard, as very breath is like fire. It hurts. Oh the fire of rage. Save me as I sink deeper. Rage Fury Anger. It consumed me.

Dull

Yes. I am bloging in office now. Its just one of those days, where you still have work all pile up and yet, you just can’t bring yourself to do any of it. And I’m sitting here, with my sucky Nescafe coffee (there goes my dealership with Nescafe) and thinking, how is all this happening?

I dunno, maybe I made some wrong decision in life, maybe things are just not meant to be, or maybe I just need better coffee.

If there is one thing I can wish for now, I wish for the ability to stop time. Maybe I need that, to just stop the time so I can breath for a while, rather just gasping for air every second. I need to breath again.

I think I should start going to church. I need some kind of sanctuary, some kind of higher power to tell me that everything is meant to be, or even better, tell me that everything is taken care of. Probably all the wrong reasons to go to church, but I suppose there is never a right or wrong reason to go to church, there are just reasons.

My coffee is getting colder. This probably is the most random blog ever. I used to tailor every single of my blog before I post it, but now I’m just typing as everything that is coming out of my head. My supplier told me today that he always advise people to think with their head not heart, so that we will make less mistake. I think its true. Heart is just another organ of the body, which doesn’t have the ability to think nor analyze. But, y when a wrong decision is made, the heart hurts the most??

Clock is at 3:40 pm. Every second is like eternity, but every hour is like a flash light. Ironic. I can’t stop thinking about you. Its not that I still miss you, but I dunno why your face keeps on appear. Maybe it’s the red sweater I threw out yesterday. Maybe it’s the guilt. Maybe I’m such a good liar.

Random. I think it will be the best topic for this blog.

I remember lying on the bed, as the night falls, I’m thinking, what happened? How can I be so wrong? Why? How? When? What? As the darkness blinding me…

It just one of those days….

Random....

The hardest part in loosing a love one is that, sometime you tend to forget that u loose that person. And you pass by each day like nothing has chnage. Then suddenly, maybe it was a song, a movie, a book, a watch, or even a car, just remind you and hit you so hard, and you have to go through the pain, the agony, the heartache and to deal with the cruel reality again, that someone you love so much is no longer with you anymore....

Only Lonely - 给fei yong，你不会一辈子的孤单！

only lonely- SHE

都怪我話不太會說　不能逗妳開心
但你也有點小題大做　
一個人Shopping 就覺得寂寞
別人都在戀愛　You're only lonely
那你說我該怎麼辦　You're only lonely

求求你　睜開眼睛　看看這個世界　
又不是全部　都一對一對
我們　心地善良　又有品味　又沒犯罪　
又沒偷竊 健康檢查　完全ＯＫ　
打開皮夾　ya卡又一堆
只不過是　沒有人陪　
太多人追 又太會拒絕
何必　因為一點寂寞 就要跟誰道歉毀失禮怪
別人太沒有眼光　有點不太營養
算了吧　我發誓我無法抗拒　
憂鬱竟讓你更有魅力
全世界都在戀愛　You're only lonely
那你說我該怎麼辦　You're only lonely

不要再說lonely　因為你是One and only
打發時間　其實很Easy　
來點嘻哈　讓心情變得Sunny
天天轟趴　流連網咖　會不會太Crazy
打起精神　不要Lazy　
我做你的　你做我的Baby, Yes my lady

都怪我話不太會說　不能逗妳開心
但你也有點小題大做　
一個人Shopping就覺得寂寞
別人都在戀愛　You're only lonely
那你說我該怎麼辦　You're only lonely