Defeated

My car broke down yesterday before i go to work.

It is probably not the worst thing that had happend to me, but it still sucks. I still remember, it was 8:15am in the morning, and i was standing there, staring at my car. i dunno what to do.. well, not like i really dunno what to do. i mean, the reasonable man will call the mechanic and so... But at that time, where the frustration builds up, i just wanted to sit down and do nothing...

I left my hometown since i was 19. Went to KL alone, study and work there ever since... if there is ever one thing i learn over the course of 7 years living alone, is that u only got urself. I mean, of coz i got frens, in fact i got the best of the best frens. But they are still frens. They have no obligation to be there for u or help u to resolve your problem. Its not that i am incapable of solving my problem... but it will be nice, that for once, just once u have someone that tell u:" its ok. dont worry. I will take care of everything." How nice... is it too much to ask? wishful thinking?

I dunno have i been doing a good job with myself. I dont think i did. I sometime still feel as helpless and confuse as the 19 year old girl in Town. So many time i tell myself :'just go home Tania. Y are u still here? u got no family, no love one, y are u still here?" I dont know. The lifesyle? the career? the frens? Maybe...

U think loneliness is a habit, but i never seems to get use to it. Maybe i havent grown up. that probably is my problem. I am n a child stuck in an adult body. Overwelmed with the grown up world and struggle to find a place everyday.

I told JA that i like cant find anyone to watch movie with me and i end up watching movie alone all the time. Pathetic? maybe... but its probably my effort to adulthood. Learn how to be alone. Learn to be a grown up. Stop being a baby!

Will get my car fixed tomorrow and continue my daily routine like normal. but i still pray, along the way, i will learn and be good at being a grown up. Being me.

I hate man

I hate man.

Yes, I seriously do.

I hate man which is only nice to the girl that they like and treat every other female like ass.

I hate man that only pulls out the chair for the girl that they like and just leave their other female friend hanging high and dry.

I hate man that only cares about whether the girl they like will break their hand by carry a piece of paper and totally ignores other females that stand beside him with a tons of stuffs.

I hate man that thinks that every girl that talks to him like him -_________-. Please, we are better then that.

I hate man that thinks that fair and skinny girls are pretty; where else a dark and fat girl is ugly. FYI, there is no such thing as an ugly girl but a shallow man.

I hate man that swears at a girl. Yes, we can swear at you, can even slap at you if we want. Don’t like it? Tough! I never say it’s a fair world.

I hate man… that breaks a girl heart, and go around parade it as his winning glory.

I hate man… I really do…

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Life sucks. Hope yours is better.

I can't take my eyes off you

The Blower's Daughter
Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan lyrics

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

PLEASE....

I saw something on the newspapers today which got me raging in fire. Our beloved Deputy Prime Minister said that it is our goal to have zero death toll for our national service. That is a good news... wait a minute... u mean there is death in our national service??? U kidding me?? i mean, where are we sending our boys and girls? gulf war? Firstly, there should not even be any death at all for our national service. What went wrong here? bad food? unsafe environment? or simple just bad management??

I am not trying to be anti-govt here. But we are talking someone's son, someone's daughter, someone's brother, someone's sister!so the duty of care should be above and beyond. I feel so sick to read any news abt a child loosing his life during national service. And when i thought about my 18 year old brother... it got me even more sick to my stomach!

Please... i pledge our govt. I mean, i do agree with national service concept. But please, exercise it with caution, extreme caution. Every little life we loose along the way, is a regret that we can never remedy. Please...

Memory

Sex and the city

I remember the scene where Carrie was walking the dog with Aidan. It was a quite night scene in New York. Carrie was once, very dress down, a tube and short. I love that scene. It was the sweetest. Although in the end, she chose Mr. Big, but that moment will be remembered forever.


Gray’s Anatomy

When Bruke proposed to Christina, there is only person she wants to tell it to first, Meredith, but she can’t seem to find her. Then finally, she found her, lying on the bed, just came back from death. And she told her. I cried all night for that scene.

Friends

Phoebe never owns a bicycle ever in her life. But when she was young, her neighbor had the nicest bike. It was pink in colour, with a white wicker basket in front, which had little colorful daisy on it. Ross heard about the story and got her the exact same bike. That moment, I understand what good friends are made off.


7th Heaven

The Camden family took in Lucy’s friend where come from a trouble family, where no one at the family ever say love. Matt heard about it and turn to Lucy and said: “ You know I love you right.”. In return, Lucy said “ Ya, I know. I love you too.” Family, you fight, you scream, you yell, but you can’t not love them.


House

The scene where Dr. House strip down to his pant and showed his scared leg to Dr. Cuddy, sometime, the strongest are the weakest.

Happy Birthday

Today is my dad's birthday. If he is still around, he will be 57 years old. I miss him.

I think about him almost everyday. But somehow, the tears don't drop so often, his face fade a little, the word 'ah pa' is more foreign a little. It scares me sometime.I rather go through the pain of losing him every single day then forget any bits of him. Time don't seems to give me such luxury. Some how over time, whether you want it or not, you move on, even just a little. And i fear that, one day, i will forget, forget the way he smile, the way frown, the he held my hand. I fear i will forget his face... i am terrified.

I always think about those that come and gone too soon.

My primary school mate. She had a beautiful name. Barely made it to 14, a accident took her life away.

My little niece, was only 3 years old when God took her back, guess that God needed an extra angel.

MY dearest uncle, who spend his whole life battling against drug addiction. Finally he succeeded but life didn't gave him a second chance. I remember that Sunday afternoon, where he held and my hand and bought me my first ' apam balik'. I don't eat it any more, just taste too bad...

My loving aunt. What a great person her was, caring, talented and extremely nice. Yet, we loose her too soon. I never forget that evening that we got the news, its the first i saw my dad cry...

My Dad's best friend who passed away just a year before my dad. They were best friend. i think they still are...

Great people which we all loose too soon too fast...

Sometime i glad that there is Heaven, or at least i want to believe so... I need to know that this is not it, that this is not the end. I need to know that one day, i will see you again, i will see the warm smile again, when you greet me with open arm.
It is also my biggest fear that Heaven don't exist, and this is all we have. How will anyone ever go on.... I do not know.

Happy Birthday, ah pa. Miss you.