Defeated

My car broke down yesterday before i go to work.

It is probably not the worst thing that had happend to me, but it still sucks. I still remember, it was 8:15am in the morning, and i was standing there, staring at my car. i dunno what to do.. well, not like i really dunno what to do. i mean, the reasonable man will call the mechanic and so... But at that time, where the frustration builds up, i just wanted to sit down and do nothing...

I left my hometown since i was 19. Went to KL alone, study and work there ever since... if there is ever one thing i learn over the course of 7 years living alone, is that u only got urself. I mean, of coz i got frens, in fact i got the best of the best frens. But they are still frens. They have no obligation to be there for u or help u to resolve your problem. Its not that i am incapable of solving my problem... but it will be nice, that for once, just once u have someone that tell u:" its ok. dont worry. I will take care of everything." How nice... is it too much to ask? wishful thinking?

I dunno have i been doing a good job with myself. I dont think i did. I sometime still feel as helpless and confuse as the 19 year old girl in Town. So many time i tell myself :'just go home Tania. Y are u still here? u got no family, no love one, y are u still here?" I dont know. The lifesyle? the career? the frens? Maybe...

U think loneliness is a habit, but i never seems to get use to it. Maybe i havent grown up. that probably is my problem. I am n a child stuck in an adult body. Overwelmed with the grown up world and struggle to find a place everyday.

I told JA that i like cant find anyone to watch movie with me and i end up watching movie alone all the time. Pathetic? maybe... but its probably my effort to adulthood. Learn how to be alone. Learn to be a grown up. Stop being a baby!

Will get my car fixed tomorrow and continue my daily routine like normal. but i still pray, along the way, i will learn and be good at being a grown up. Being me.